Filial Piety

Today is a special day. At least in Chinese people point of view. It is cheng beng (清明节). Last week, I was hoping that I could make it this year to this occasion, and I made it.

I didn't do it last year as I was in Kuching doing my electives this year around. Basically, it is a tradition of the young one revisit the graves of the remembered ones. They will bring along their offerings to be given to the remembered. Nowadays, it is ridiculous! They had commercialize the offering, making Mercedes Benz with driver, TV sets, hand phone, massage chair, even maids and latest addition is LV branded bags! The event which was solemnly done now becoming an extravaganza celebration. Instead of firecrackers, now they even put up a firework display in front of the graveyard. Cheng Beng had become like a new year... With modernisation, hope that the core value of this day will not change, that is to relinquish the loved one and practice filial piety (孝).

It is a norm for our family to visit 2 graveyard on this day. One is my late great grand mother, which originates from Guang Dong province. The other grave is for my Paternal Grandfather and grandmother. Walking down the same hill brings back do many memories of the last moment before they were cremated. It was my late grandmother that went ahead of my late grandmother due to colon cancer. Grandpa said a very touching word to her before she passed away. "Do wait for me when you got there". Grandpa suffered very bad diabetes, complicated with pancreatitis and systemic infection. I did had chance to visit him 2 days before passed away. He was in Intensive Care Unit. It was during one of my third year semester break. I never regretted that I spent quality time with him. I did a lot of dressing for his ulcers. As far as I can remember, we always have communication problem. He speaks nothing but pure Teo Chew dialect and I did not master this local dialect. We communicate in mandarin, not knowing how we understand each other. But as always, message always got through! Life goes on after he left for about 3 years.

It is most sad to see those young soul that lies beneath the grave of my late grandpa and grandma. One of them barely lived to see his twenties. How the parents handle it is really beyond my knowledge. In Chinese saying, the pain of the 'white head' seeing the death of the 'black heads' is one of the most unbearable one. Life is unpredictable. You wouldn't know when Mr Death come knocking on your door. Before you knew it, it is already too late. Appreciate what you have now, and look at the people around you. Repay them whenever you got a chance. Never wait.

Tale of The Great Teacher

A good teacher will test what you know, but best teacher will let you know what you don't know.

Throughout this five years, I came to know a very great teacher that not only teaches, but make us learn what is more than the textbook. His name is Dr. Mohd Shahrir Mohamed Said.

Dr Shahrir is a rheumatologist, dealing mostly with rheumatological disorder such as rheumatoid arthritis and all sorts of autoimmune disorders. My first encounter with him was during my second year, but it was just a glimpse as I was the student representative coming from Kuala Lumpur campus to HUKM to meet my voters (junior nurses). He was then a deputy headmaster of Kolej Tun Dr Ismail. During that meeting, we were doing campaigning for the up coming university election. It was then the bond with him already started.

After being elected as the student council spanning from end of my second year till my third year, I became more and more in contact with Dr Shahrir. He was, during that time, a Deputy Headmaster still despite having no real headmaster. It was then due to his political involvement during his student years that leads to the holdback of his promotion. We have quite a number of meeting between the college and the university level, and most of the planning were done with the presence of him.

Then, I rested for a semester before he came back to me during my third year, end of semester break. During that time, he sincerely asked me to join the college comittee as the secretary. Initially, I wasn't too keen as I do not require anymore involvement in these kind of position to gain a place in college. Simply put, I already exceed the requirement to be eligible to stay in the college. Another thing was, I thought I wanted to concentrate more in my study. However, my friend Guang Hong agreed to join earlier and need me as well to help the college comittee, so I gave it a try. Then we met more and more often.

There were many projects to be carried out throughout the year and I am part of the planning comittee. We get to meet often to discuss for plannings, budgets and administrative stuffs. I never regretted working with him as he is a dedicated person, and a seriously dedicated one. He never failed to provide us with useful feedback and be with us througout the projects. But life is never a smooth sailing one. Then, there was a lot of blackmailing going on. Even some go to the extend to spread words about him to the higher level, causing him a lot of hardship. Me and my friends were his places to complain, and we had quite a number of late night 'mamak stalls' meeting to listen to his problems. Not that we can solve anything but letting him ventilate makes him feels better. In fact, we often voice our complaints as well to him regarding problems that we had encountered throughout our medical studies. He will provide us solution and try to help us as much as he could.

During his time as the headmaster, I think he is a very caring person. He knew the students by name and knew their behaviours as well. He kept a good list of students phone number. If any of the student faced any difficulty, even late at night, he will not hesitate to help them. One thing about him is he love gossips, especially which student is pairing with who and who is breaking up with who. Whoever that failed during any posting will be seen by him personally to make sure the student is not facing any hardship in life which he can help to solve. However, there were students that works against him behind his back. As he is pro-university lecturer (as well as pro-government), those pro-student activist had worked against him. This more or less gave him the heartache.

Into our final year, he offered himself automatically to gave us extra classes! He will stay back during after office hour or even sacrificed weekend for the sake of student. Otherwise, most of the lecturer would not be bothered to do it. He wanted to see every student under his hand passed and do him proud. We have extra classes to present long cases, practice short cases and we even go as far to KL General Hospital to practice with him. He arranged a lot of case presentations, to boost up our knowledge. A teacher is never complete if he is not a good motivator. He will give us morale support to go throught the tough times.

Every year, there will be at least a 10 percent of student that has to repeat their professional exams. He personally feels that it is not necessary that we follow this trend. Every student deserved a pass, if we achieved above the passing mark. Sad to say, this year's mortality is reaching 15 percent, and most of them were more than average students. However, some had made him really proud by making into the distinction list as well as being awarded as honours student.

Yesterday we had a final meeting in his place. He was very sad for our departure as we were the closest batch with him. At times, I can see the shiny glimpse in his eyes. He was holding back his tears, I knew. Then he gave me this msg:

"My heart broke a thousand pices when you all left my house. Tears easily flow down my chubby cheeks. I will always luv you guys and will miss you truly. Please keep in touch... Pity this wandering soul."

After this farewell, will there be another Dr Shahrir in my life? I doubted it. But as far as I can say, part of my success today as a medical doctor belongs to you, Dr Shahrir. Thank you very much. We will do you proud, I promised.

Dr Shahrir (Left) with my friend Ong Guang Hong (right)


Vice Chancellor visiting our college during my time as the secretary


Farewell Dinner in Mines Resort. From Left: Tan Kar Choon, Me, Neeta Kesu Belani, Dr Shahrir, Dr Wong Chee Yeng and Teo Li Sar

The Last Banquet, Seperation and Farewell

There are many types of tears. We cry when we are sad, we cry when we are overjoyed, we cry when we feel embarrassed. Yesterday, I shed the tears because me and my dearest friend is going their own way. 天下无不散之筵席。I do not know of any simile for this Chinese proverb but direct translation means every banquet must come to an end and everyone going their way.

Life is a sea, we are the one charting and sailing through. Along the way, we met friends that would help us through stormy weather, even help us when our boat capsized. Some are pirates, trying to rob you, make you weep, and lost is the vast sea. There is one friend of mine that had been with me night and day, help me sail through the choppy sea. Her name is Apple. If there is anyone that I would missed after this, it would be her. She made me cry yesterday.

She is a person who speaks directly, straight on the face. Never bother or feel over controlled by the authority. She has a loving heart, never fail to care for those who lacked behind. She is also down to earth, seldom show off. To me, she is the type that you can rest your shoulder on, sharing your thought and problem. We have close friends since second year, even more from then onwards. There had been crisis before, because of my closeness to her, caused a lot of unnecessary suspicion and talking behind our back. Although she is married, I always treated her as the very good friend of mine, nothing more.

Just wanna share the lyric of 'I'll Stand By You' from Pretenders


Oh, why you look so sad?

Tears are in your eyes

Come on and come to me now

Dont be ashamed to cry

Let me see you through

cause Ive seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you

You dont know what to do

Nothing you confess

Could make me love you less


Ill stand by you

Ill stand by you

Wont let nobody hurt you

Ill stand by you


So if youre mad, get mad

Dont hold it all inside

Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?

I get angry too

Well Im a lot like you

When youre standing at the crossroads

And dont know which path to choose

Let me come along

cause even if youre wrong


I just can't fight this overwhelming feeling of sadness. The uncertainty of when to meet again is strong. We will live our life, and head our own way for sure. Till then.

From Zygote to Fetus

I guess this is really the end. The time for me in this small but lovely room is almost up. Two more days before I need to shift out. There is a lot of memories, mostly sweet one in this place.

This place had witnessed the turn of time. It had bring together a group of people from different background and places to be united as friends. Some even united as a family. I never made so many friends from so many places until I entered university. Five years is just in the blink of eye. Now is the time to leave, and I started to missed everyone.

Yesterday I met a friend of mine who have to resit the exam. I admired him. He is able to stand up after falling down. His will is strong and spirit is high. It is still not the end for him. I am wishing him and all those who is resitting exam a smooth sail ahead and good luck.

Is Free Always Good? Yes!

The linux distro was giving me problem these few days. I was in the transition period to change from running 3 hard drives to only 1 hard drives as this simplifies the boot process. The linux distro I used was Kubuntu 7.10. However, after I installed it, I find it a hassle to use as not very user-friendly as compared to my good ol' Ubuntu. At first, the installation went on smoothly towards the end as it was fairly straight foward. After automatic update (which is about 200+ megabytes), the whole system fails to start! The problem was when I update the system, the secondary drive was present because I was transferring the data back to new disc. The secondary drive also contains the old linux distro. These created a confusion for the update manager when it is trying to change my current boot loader. Afterwards, the system just refused to boot into Kubuntu.

Then, I took the opportunity to reinstall the Ubuntu instead. However, there was a problem with the CD burner, resulting in at least 5 discs binned. Finally, I got a disc which is non faulty and got the system up and running (where I am writing this blog). Now it is automatic updating itself. Hope the system works fine afterwards.

This is a trend that I observed is a lot of my friends still using non genuine Microsoft Windows. There are very few who wants to change and use a free distribution instead. I was among the 'sceptical' before. The first experience I had with linux was 3-4 years ago. This I had to thank my brother for introducing it. I remembered it was Mandrake linux (now Mandriva). It was not as user-friendly as it is now. The setup was complicated with lots of error. I can't even get a working OpenOffice. Maybe it was my hardware problems. In the end it gave me a big headache.

Now it is a different situation altogether. There are so many linux distro around and the installation process is a breeze. You can choose from Ubuntu (which I am using now), Sabayon, FreeBSD, Mandriva, SuSe Linux, Gentoo, and many more. It was the traumatic experience with Windows that brought me to use linux. I am already too fed up with computer viruses that always hogs the machines, stealing datas, and making me reinstall the software. With linux, virus is not the main concern as they generally do not run executable files from other platform. They have their own codes to run. Generally, there are many free software (you read me, it is FREE) with just clicks away. For those ardent fans for Windows or cannot live without Windows apps, there is always emulators such as Wine to run Windows software. What I feel most important is the conscience that I am using something legal and do not need to send cash to Mr Gates.

I found a link to a nice website that generally summarized the benefits and the drawback of using linux.

• Why linux is better
• Ubuntu 7.10 Gutsy Gibbon Desktop Review
• Play On Linux

Hope these websites sparks a little love for linux.

Old School New Dreams

Today, I was sorting through some old books. I found an old yearbook from my secondary school. Haha! It brings back all the memories of the past.

Flipping through the pages, I found a page that was dedicated for me. It contains the interview of myself and a picture of me, because I was awarded Eastman Excellence Award, an honour for a well rounded student in academic as well as co-curriculum activity. Until now, I never thought I deserved the award. If being an all-rounder is the qualification, then I only fulfill the academic and society criteria. I was never good in sports. This was the first runner up secondary school in Kuantan, counting from the back. There is seldom any competition around us. Maybe the focus of the student were different then. everyone wish to come out to run their parents' business, or be a better mechanic than their fathers. Study was never the first priority. So I easily obtained the first place in the class. In fact, I had been obtaining the first place in class since my first year of secondary school.

Come to think about it, I never remember how I studied during my secondary school years. But it was all those activities that I participated that etched a lasting memory. I remembered once that we had a leadership camp in botanical park in Kuantan. That was the time I got close with my Malay friends, working as a team. We had lots of funs then. Then there were outing of Chinese Language Association to Balok Beach. Although the programs were crappy, yet we had lots of sweet time together. I remembered the most was the time we had a camp in Balok beach for uniform bodies. It is usual to have 'night owl' game where every team were dispatch to explore the designated locations. It start at midnight and ended 5 a.m. in the morning. We had to explore into forest, some abandoned house and the seaside to look for clues and the first team that came back will be a winner. However, I think I had lost that time.

Although I came from a not-so well known school that has nothing to be proud about, I am able to explore my potential to the fullest. Sometimes it is the school that shape a person; but most of the time it is a person that shape a school. Most of the students want to attend an established school to get better result. If you can first change yourself, you can achieve what you want despite of your background.

School Sports day. My teacher Miss Cheong and friends

These is how we play!

This was a booth we designed for canteen day. They said it looks like Chinese funeral due to the black and white theme.


My friends, enjoying the 'ais kacang' that my chess club prepared

Under the Moonlight

Outside my 4 pane window, there is a full moon on top of the coconut tree. The willow is moving ever so slowly with the night breeze. Not a single dog is barking. The night is peaceful and sweet. I had not enjoyed the serenity of the night for the last five years since I further my study in Kuala Lumpur. Last time, I never appreciate the night like what I do now. Peace had been a luxury when you live in KL. Traffic jams, people rushing, talking right in front of your face spraying their saliva, trying to get a piece of you, make fool of you and overtake you; I have had enough with all these craps. Maybe when you lost something, then you will appreciate the thing that you gain. I love peaceful nights.

I enjoy rainy nights more. The sound of the rain drops falling on the leaves, hitting on the window pane are simply the best orchestra of Mother Nature. Before the new house is build, I used to live in a wooden bungalow. There were 4 rooms. Mine was near the road with 2 side windows. There were no air conditioning, only a small wall fan. Whenever it rain, I will fall asleep very fast. It is during the rainy nights that I thought of my late grandma more often. Sometimes I thought I saw her reflections in my room. Sometimes, I can hear her voices talking to me. I couldn't recall much of the past memory of her. But I knew she made a good pants that lasted me 6 years throughout my secondary school time. There are things that I didn't have time to tell her. She left in a hurry. Mr Death had eyed on her.

It is the time for Cheng Beng again. I had not fulfill my responsibility as a grandson quite a while due to time factor. Wish I could make it this year around.

Seperation Anxiety

March 19, 2008, 743 AM
Broken Clouds, 24 degree Celsius

Finally, I have reached this day. Many had anticipated and waited eagerly for this day. Not long ago, I was among them. I had never thought the end would come so unexpected, un'enigmatic', so anticlimax! It is just like a movie come to a sudden end. It feels like a piece of my heart had moved out of me, because there is sudden emptiness and loneliness that is gripping me. I had early awakening today because the feeling of loneliness was just overwhelming. Coffee seems tasteless. Maybe I am not a person that is used to do nothing. Nothingness means laziness to me.

There are boxes lying around. I had already packed my belongings. Books, pens, photo albums, clothings were put in boxes. They were just lying lazily around. Memories were tied up properly. Five years through this gruesome learning curve, there were more than just plain knowledge that I gained. I learned to 'see' friends. There are friends that I can pour out secrets, while there are not-so-few of those 'Hi & Bye' friends. Some plainly what to get a piece of me, I know. True friends are hard to look for, because they come to you with time.

I used to have cheap tears. They were easy to produce. Now my heart is made of steel, or rather casted in steel. It is the environment that shaped me. You don't expect a doctor that shed their tears when patient told about their agony, do you? It is such an irony, that I am expected to care for the patients, yet not to feel for them. This is what they called 'empathy', not sympathy. At times, I don't feel like 'me' anymore.

Many people had help me stand up when I fall down. I still remember when I am in my first and second year, I embrace myself to be a student council. It was a hardship, dividing between the time of study and the long meetings and many projects to plan and accomplish. I was glad, that I found 2 true friends, Julian and Guang Hong, that gave me and still giving me moral support and be my loyal fans. Without them, I would not have reached here. There were fine teachers like Dr Shahrir, my ex-college master that help me be myself today. I don't know how to repay them.

I am leaving tomorrow. Maybe this is my last goodbye to this college, this university and my friends that had make my life more beautiful and more meaningful. I will definitely missed everyone and everything.

Aftermath: Battle of the Books

Yesterday was the longest day of my life.

Because on yesterday, I crossed the hurdle between academic life to working life.

The war broken out on the helm of Mount La vie et la mort. It was winter time then. Armed with nothing but hand gun and small medikit, thirty six of young infantries were sent out to the helm to fight. Goal is simple, to survive and come back alive. I was one of the survivor to this battle. There were wolves and vulture waiting for their moments to strike. No sign of human life as far as my eyes can see. At 0925 sharp, the commander stationed us into different battalion, and I was with battalion 7. I didn't realized that was the last time I saw my friends. I have a paramedic in battalion 7. So we scaled the mountain and for sure it was bitter cold. The fog is thick and visibility was poor. My hands are chilled and numb. My thought were only one: to live.

In the small curves ahead, there was a cave, just a small cave enough to fit few peoples. Me and my partner went in to check it out. Suddenly, there was a beast charging at us from this cave. He was tall, dark and hairy and his name is Malades mentaux. His claws were sharp as razor and his eyes were red as fireball. His special moves was attaque de panique. There were no escape. I almost thought this is the end of my 25 years of life. Somewhere deep in my heart was asking me to fight. To stand on my ground. Armed with only 6 bullets and 60 seconds to survive, I fought bravely. Shortly, I ran out of bullet. I have nothing left. We fought and fought for a long time. I didn't realize we had reach the cliff. Behind me was the deep cliff that I can see no bottom and I was surrounded by him. Malades thought he had the upper hand of me. He was laughing out loud. Without thinking twice, he charged at me at full speed. At the nick of time, I evaded him and he fall down the cliff so that was the end of the legend of Malades mentaux.

This battle had taken toll on me. There were wounds of the claws and bites thanks to Malades. Walking downhill, we met the commander. He told me that some of my friends did not make it to the end. I was heartbroken. Deep in my heart, I wish all of my friends reached the shore one day. Now all I need is just a rest to heal this wound. Time can heal everything.

Just wanna share a movie excerpt that I listen to before I go for this battle:

ARAGORN
             Hold your ground - hold your ground! Sons
            of Gondor - of Rohan . . . my brothers!

            I see in your eyes the same fear that would
            take the heart of me. The day may come when
            the courage of Men fails; when we forsake
            our friends and break all bonds of
            fellowship; but it is not this day - an
            hour of wolves and shattered shields, when
            the Age of Man comes crashing down - but it
            is not this day!!! This day we fight! By
            all that you hold dear on this good earth -
            I bid you stand!            
      Men of the West!

(From: THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING)

Tips? All but a Foolish Trick!

I don't know why I am doing this. Just half way through my exam. It's the 3rd day, to be exact. I am blogging away. Hehe. Exam, exam, exam. I truly believe last minute effort would not work. Plus tomorrow is a multiple choice questions, which can sometimes depends on luck factors. So why study at the nigh hour?
There has been lots of tips circulating around lately. Before exam, during classes, outside toilet, over dinner table. Experience had tell me that not to depend on them solely as that can bring destruction. This had been true for the first day and second day exam paper. Some joker must have been spreading news that Trichuris trichiuria (a worm infestation) is definitely a spot question for paediatric during this exam. In the end, Malaria infection is being asked! Surprise, surprise. Everyone that depend on the tips is cursing away when the exam was over. Today, we were having patient management problem on psychiatry. Again, tips regarding some freako alcoholic is sure coming out. Naturally, everyone is reading Delirium tremens, Alcoholic Anonymous, Intoxication of alcohol right before being summoned into the exam hall. I reckoned that the one that provide the tips must have seen the front page of the exam question only because it turn out to be a young man involved in motor vehicle accident became delirious and in the end, found to be SCHIZOPHRENIC! Everyone is shouting: " Where the heck is the alcohol!" Haha. Isn't it fun to have exam?
I guess the real useful tips for exam is not to be overanxious before or during exam, because that really impair the judgment and performance during the exam. I always take exam as 'another tutorial or practice'. There you go, when you are calm and cool, your mind works better because there is less thought block. Always recite a prayer, charm or something you like before entering the exam hall. Try to forget everything before the exam starts. That's right. Unlearn the things that you know. Only then, you can perform your best.
Hope it turns out alright for me this time. Pray for me folks.