Birthday Blues

Dear Mom,

It is your birthday today. I did not bring you any present. I am sorry. I just want to wish you happy birthday. Deep down in my heart, I wish you enjoy every moments you lived now. Your life journeys marked heavily on your face. Each line is a passing of a past that turns into nothing but memory. Each dots speaks for itself for a legend that you make.

There are few things that I regretted in this life. I am sorry for not spending more time with you. Its all the work, stress, love, and sidelines that keep us apart. I know you are lonely. The vast amount of time that you spent on the couch crunching away the stupid Taiwan Hokkien TV series is to filled the emptiness of this house, more of the emptiness of your heart. The nonsense that you joined, to give back life to the ex drug addicts, says it all. I know. I can see it in your eyes.

I am sorry that I behave like a jerk. I raised my voice to you. I turn a deaf ear to you. I shut myself from you. I lied to you. I am trying to shake loose this connection. All because one day, I am ready to fly. I will be going away, sooner or later. You stories ends here, but my life starts from here. There is endless possibilities out there. I will be back, as the new me.

Don’t cry, mama. Your agenda is not my agenda; your life is not my life; to you is good but to me, maybe it’s bad. Alas! we are two different people. I read from a book once: you know your child only as much as when both of you are connected via the umbilical cord. After the cord is cut, the child is a person by himself. You don’t know what he thinks, why he behave like this. You have to admit, the child is a totally new person, and you will not understand him/her fully. 

I don’t want to break your heart, mama. Sorry for all the things that I did, things that I ought to do but I didn’t. Sorry for the big gap in between us. Sorry for the words that I said but didn’t mean it, and the words that I should have said but didn’t. I still love you the same. Till then.

 

With love,

Son