Dear friend,
I know it is hard what you have been through. You are a tough man. You can make it through.
The joy of sharing a cuppa coffee, the good time of holding hands walking down the park, and the thought of someone is there for you when you are down may be gone. And you said the efforts for all these years may go into the drain. You feel sad, angry, and felt cheated, but it is still not the end of the world.
I say it a chapter in life that everyone must go through. Its like a book. Growing is a chapter. Falling in love is a chapter. Having children, career are chapters itself. We can't predict every chapter in the book has a happy ending. There are ups and downs in the stories that make it an exciting one. In the end, it is the whole story that matters. We are writing a book, not just dwell in a chapters.
You said the wound still hurts. It hurts when it matters. I say give it time. Let time heals. In the end, you will thank her for making who you are now. At least you are loved. It is never a waste. It makes you grow. Looking back, now you are full of experience than before.
As a friend, when I say I will be there for you when you are down is a total BS. But my ear will be. Always be. You must be strong. This storm must be weathered. Given enough time, you can walk out of this dips in life.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Twenty Nine Days
It not right to feel for the patient you are treating. It is almost wrong when you are emotional connected to a patient that you are treating. They says it affect your judgment and the clinical acumens. Despite all the teaching saying so, I still made the mistake.
Dasuki was a very unfortunate boy. At the age of twenty, almost all of his fellow at the peak of their life. Everyone venturing into working, busy with marriage, but this poor boy was bed bound. Not only he had to depend on his father for the simplest chores as to personal sanitation, he had become the increasing financial burden of the family for his medical need and disabilities.
After a freak accident one day where he lost control of his motorbike and skidded, his life changed. The motorbike hit a sand dune and he was thrown forward and landed head on. On arrival to hospital, doctors pronounced that he had a spinal segment T8 and T9 fracture, which translated into paraplegia for the rest of his life. He lost feeling of both lower limbs. Anything below umbilicus feels numb. Both legs were heavy and felt disconnected o the torso. Passing urine and bowel habit became automatic event, and he has no control whatsoever towards it.
Studying the family dynamic, he is the youngest of eleven siblings. As if to add salt to the wound, his mother is a stroke-surviving patient with hemiplegia as well. Father earn a meager pay by doing plantation work in small scale. He has a sister he used to mention quite a lot. This sister is closest to him, bathing him, feeding him at regular interval. But what to do, his sister has to get on with life. She need to work. She need to take care of her family. After her marriage six months ago, she had moved away from Kuantan to Johor Bharu following the husband.
He came to us with prolonged bed bound, 12 months after the accident. Instead of a young and vibrant boy, we saw a nutritionally-deprived boy, dirty and unkempt. The bed sore already formed over huge area over sacral, the heel and even elbow. A sigmoid colostomy had been made to accommodates faeces passed through anterior abdominal wall. This could prevent soiling of faeces and the sores.
At the last 11 days of his life, we have to open him up, to find the bowel is a mess with adhesion and perforation. Everything necessary had been done. After the operation, he was going down hill. On the other hand, we are giving stronger antibiotic and nutrional support for him.
The day before he is intubated, I was talking to him. There were very few visitior for Dasuki. The father seldom came as to take care the other needy one at home. We talked about many things. All I want is to set a long term goal for him, to make him ambulate by wheel chair. At least he is less dependent if he can whelled to the toilet or to reach for things. He said that he missed his sister, and asked me to called up the sister. He wanted to see her badly. On top of that, he says living has no meaning for him anymore. I just kept quiet as did not respond.
The defence finally breached on the last 3 days. His lung and heart had gave up on this battle. We intubated him and put him on inotropes. Blood pressure on few instances were unrecordable. Most of the time, it was lowish. We rang up the father, told him that his son was not doing well. Soon after that, the relatives, family members came.
The last word he said to me was I am tired.
On his last day, his sister came to see him. After twenty nine days of long winding battle, he finally passed away, fulfilled his last wish. Rest in peace, Dasuki.
Dasuki was a very unfortunate boy. At the age of twenty, almost all of his fellow at the peak of their life. Everyone venturing into working, busy with marriage, but this poor boy was bed bound. Not only he had to depend on his father for the simplest chores as to personal sanitation, he had become the increasing financial burden of the family for his medical need and disabilities.
After a freak accident one day where he lost control of his motorbike and skidded, his life changed. The motorbike hit a sand dune and he was thrown forward and landed head on. On arrival to hospital, doctors pronounced that he had a spinal segment T8 and T9 fracture, which translated into paraplegia for the rest of his life. He lost feeling of both lower limbs. Anything below umbilicus feels numb. Both legs were heavy and felt disconnected o the torso. Passing urine and bowel habit became automatic event, and he has no control whatsoever towards it.
Studying the family dynamic, he is the youngest of eleven siblings. As if to add salt to the wound, his mother is a stroke-surviving patient with hemiplegia as well. Father earn a meager pay by doing plantation work in small scale. He has a sister he used to mention quite a lot. This sister is closest to him, bathing him, feeding him at regular interval. But what to do, his sister has to get on with life. She need to work. She need to take care of her family. After her marriage six months ago, she had moved away from Kuantan to Johor Bharu following the husband.
He came to us with prolonged bed bound, 12 months after the accident. Instead of a young and vibrant boy, we saw a nutritionally-deprived boy, dirty and unkempt. The bed sore already formed over huge area over sacral, the heel and even elbow. A sigmoid colostomy had been made to accommodates faeces passed through anterior abdominal wall. This could prevent soiling of faeces and the sores.
At the last 11 days of his life, we have to open him up, to find the bowel is a mess with adhesion and perforation. Everything necessary had been done. After the operation, he was going down hill. On the other hand, we are giving stronger antibiotic and nutrional support for him.
The day before he is intubated, I was talking to him. There were very few visitior for Dasuki. The father seldom came as to take care the other needy one at home. We talked about many things. All I want is to set a long term goal for him, to make him ambulate by wheel chair. At least he is less dependent if he can whelled to the toilet or to reach for things. He said that he missed his sister, and asked me to called up the sister. He wanted to see her badly. On top of that, he says living has no meaning for him anymore. I just kept quiet as did not respond.
The defence finally breached on the last 3 days. His lung and heart had gave up on this battle. We intubated him and put him on inotropes. Blood pressure on few instances were unrecordable. Most of the time, it was lowish. We rang up the father, told him that his son was not doing well. Soon after that, the relatives, family members came.
The last word he said to me was I am tired.
On his last day, his sister came to see him. After twenty nine days of long winding battle, he finally passed away, fulfilled his last wish. Rest in peace, Dasuki.
Monday, February 9, 2009
How to Avoid The Fear of Change
Have you seen lately that more and more people start to fret about the posting they are going into? Some said they are going to the worst posting, some says they are going through hell. All mean the same. We don't enjoy our posting, or the rotation is not meant for human.
Most of us prefer to dwell in the latter one. Blaming other people is always easier than working out our self conflict. Yes, we work extra long hours, sometimes up to 36 hour non-stop. We seldom get adequate rest, most of us came to work with 'panda' eyes. Most of all, we get all the work, plus the scoldings as well. Isn't that what we have expected? Is that what we have signed up for? Why regret now?
People loves to tell stories, and most of the time, the stories aren't what it is. Sad to day, we chose to believe the stories. People might tell us, how bad it is to go into this posting, how bad the superior is, how hard it is to work extra hours, all sorts of things. These are stories anyway. Stories that will bring us down and demotivate us. We cannot predict what will happen in future, nor we can change the past. Its now that's most important. We lived out each seconds like its the last. We work like one at a time. There is no problem that cannot be solved. We choose to write our own stories, not dwell in theirs.
Be a non-conformist. Do not live by others' shadow. You are the best, and no one else. Just be who you are, not dictated by the stories.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Reflections: Obstetric and Gynaecology
The end is near. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but what lurks ahead might be total darkness to me. The once happy go lucky, couldn't-care-less person I used to be now underwent changes. Every words I said, everything I did now carries weight, and I have to be responsible to it.
Four months of delivering babies, supposed to be the happiest moment in life. Why I didn't feel the joy? Was I not passionate with my job? I think not. Come to think about it, I think it was due to the medicolegal stuffs that daunt every doctors. How could you be happy if you wake up everyday waiting for phone calls that one day will bring you down, tear your reputation, take away your hard-earned pay and ruined your medical profession. With these thoughts, how could you be happy?
Speaking of hardship, I am already anticipated long work hours ahead, scowling from boss, friends that's take advantage. Its already a norm. What I need is excitement, excitement that brings fire and passion in this job, to get me through.
On the light side, I've someone to share with me the ups and down through the hardship. I've count my blessings. Thanks to the one, that make my life better and more complete. For now, I just want to go home.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Solar Eclipse
On 26th January 2009, we citizens of Malaysia evidenced the event of partial eclipse. It began at about 4.30pm and last to about 6. Without a good lens, its pretty difficult to capture the image of the sun. However, the UV filters of my cam (or I believe so) able to create the reflection, which inverts the eclipse and produce the double image. The reflections is in the yellow bracket.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Kids: Gift from Heaven
Innocent. Which correctly describes the nature of the kids. They would not lie. They cannot lie. They express their feelings through their eyes. The eyes would tell a thousand words.
Playful. It's their nature. They learn through play and they play to learn. From play, they learn to share, they learn to fight for themselves. Most of all, they learn the skills for survival.
Some live a happy lives, some, carry the heavy weight on their shoulder. They mind are like sponge. They see, they absorb and they change.
Strangely enough, simple things like balloons will make their day. Their soul is as clean as a piece of white sheet. Only time will make a mark on this clean sheet.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
On Call Blues
Today, I am on call again. On a straight EOD calls for three days in a row! Since I go on call for quite sometime, I had seen many types of people lingering around me:
Some, albeit rare, are the hardworking type, working beyond the time limit set, working beyond their boundaries, never feel tired and always ahead of other colleague. They help you to take blood for the patient, arange for caesarian section, buy you dinner, talk to you and tidy up the mess. So far I have seen only 1 out of 25 housemen.
Some always watch the clock, punch card ready since 4.30 pm, eager as ever to go home. As the clock strikes 5, they will transform from little filthy mice into a handsome stalion. With a magical "pop", they will vanished into thin air, like never existed. Any new cases that pops in at 5.00:29 will be considered cases for the on call people. Haha. What do they care about other people?
Some people feels like chips more (T). Now you see it, now you don't! They are mentally and spiritually be with you during your on call, but not physically. When you need them the most, they will say:" Hey ya, I need to go and pray, can you sort of cover me for a while?" Then they are gone. After prayer, they will text you again, saying that they will go and take a bath, and then go for dinner, and then spa, and then meet the uncle's best man durinmg high school... then only they will be back on call.
No matter what type of people you are, please respect you job. When you are dealing with live, they deserved nothing second best. Do the right thing and do it right.
Some, albeit rare, are the hardworking type, working beyond the time limit set, working beyond their boundaries, never feel tired and always ahead of other colleague. They help you to take blood for the patient, arange for caesarian section, buy you dinner, talk to you and tidy up the mess. So far I have seen only 1 out of 25 housemen.
Some always watch the clock, punch card ready since 4.30 pm, eager as ever to go home. As the clock strikes 5, they will transform from little filthy mice into a handsome stalion. With a magical "pop", they will vanished into thin air, like never existed. Any new cases that pops in at 5.00:29 will be considered cases for the on call people. Haha. What do they care about other people?
Some people feels like chips more (T). Now you see it, now you don't! They are mentally and spiritually be with you during your on call, but not physically. When you need them the most, they will say:" Hey ya, I need to go and pray, can you sort of cover me for a while?" Then they are gone. After prayer, they will text you again, saying that they will go and take a bath, and then go for dinner, and then spa, and then meet the uncle's best man durinmg high school... then only they will be back on call.
No matter what type of people you are, please respect you job. When you are dealing with live, they deserved nothing second best. Do the right thing and do it right.
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