Last Moments of A Bachelor's Life

I guess a man always want to feel belonged. After having a stable career, he wants a family, a wife to journey the life, couple of children to share the joy, a house to live in and a group of good friends. He can't wait to start the family and get married. But I guess, human are always confused. He will have mixed feelings. On the verge of marriage, he will think of all the responsibility that is going to fall on his shoulders. Is this the right decision? I mean, what can a person lose when getting married? My married friend told me, you loose a lot. Gone were the days of partying till the wee hours in the morning, hanging out with friends, traveling alone to odd places,  talking simply about everything: who is the new 'chic' pharmacist, who is going to win the election or what is the best condom brand. Welcome to the real world. Now who is going to wake up to attend to the baby cry? Who is going to change his diaper, feed him milk? All the talks centered around the best formula milk, the most ergonomic stroller, and the nursery that abuse their kids.

It sounds like nightmare, isn't it? I feel scared sometimes.

My friend also told me, you will gain a lot. You'll have a life partner, to share the joy when you are up in the sky, and to comfort you when you're down on your knees. Behind every success man, there is always an even more capable woman to support him, to buffer him and most of all, to love him. There will never be a dull moment in your life. When the right time comes, and you are blessed with your first born, that joy is indescribable. It felt like your life is complete. If gives you a reason to come home after work, to quickly put aside your work and start your life. It puts a smile on your face that worth a million dollar. Though there are hard times, sleepless nights, seeing him grow up is the best thing you can hope for.

Now, I am not scared anymore.

The White Doves

Many white 'doves', which are quails, actually...

Proposal... checked
Tell the parents... checked
Choosing the pre-wedding photographer... checked
Choosing the white dress... checked
Date and time... checked
Venue... checked
Registration... pending
Wedding band... unable to decide

Chinese style wedding is a very taxing, time-consuming, pocket-emptying exercise. I think that is why Chinese practice monogamy... You simply declare bankruptcy after the event, which last less than 24 hours, by the way. Afterwards you will get explosive migraines looking at the aftermath.

The most important thing (highlight) is not the wedding itself, but is to decide on the venue, and checked with their schedule. Booking must be done real early, if not a year ahead, or you will get some crap dates which everyone will not come because it clashed with the lunar calendar. Speaking of the lunar calendar, it is one of the oddest thing, to start with. There are certain dates that looks just fine, but looking at the lunar calendar, the only thing you are allowed to do is to be buried or move into new house. Chinese have been believing in this things, since ancient times. Seldom people dare to break the believe, nor choose the date that doesn't favors both parties (i.e July in lunar month).

Next thing is to 'tackle' the parents. They said a match made in heaven, I refused to believe it! How can two person on this Earth can come together just like that, a live happily ever after? The habits, cultures, do's and dont's, fixed-false believes cannot just go away. Expectations may not met with reality; spending that doesn't match the earnings. There is a lot of arguments, discussion, despair, tears and finally change and tolerance. Then there comes the true love, that is everlasting, time-tested.

To live together with another person is really a challenging feat. You have to get over her lip-smacking habits, her smell, her messy hair, which is hard at first, but in the end, it is the things you can't live without.

Wishing all my friends who are doing the same at this moment, to enjoy every second of it, and smooth sails ahead.

Happy Valentine

  

Sorry sweetheart, 

I may not be the BEST person in your life, 

but I will be the ONLY person you need in this life.

Happy Valentine's.

There Is Always Hope

When you come to a crossroad, no signs leading to your destination, and you are lost. The road you took seems new and unfamiliar. Don’t despair. There is always hope. Just hold on. Eventually you will reach your destination.

At the dead of the night, you can’t see where you go, and you lost your way. You can’t figure out the path. Don’t be afraid. The daylight is just around the corner. At the break of the dawn, everything will be crystal clear.

This journey is full of challenges, and the reward is waiting for those who is persistent and determined. Just hope, and always hope for the best.

Wish you success, my dearest.

Birthday Blues

Dear Mom,

It is your birthday today. I did not bring you any present. I am sorry. I just want to wish you happy birthday. Deep down in my heart, I wish you enjoy every moments you lived now. Your life journeys marked heavily on your face. Each line is a passing of a past that turns into nothing but memory. Each dots speaks for itself for a legend that you make.

There are few things that I regretted in this life. I am sorry for not spending more time with you. Its all the work, stress, love, and sidelines that keep us apart. I know you are lonely. The vast amount of time that you spent on the couch crunching away the stupid Taiwan Hokkien TV series is to filled the emptiness of this house, more of the emptiness of your heart. The nonsense that you joined, to give back life to the ex drug addicts, says it all. I know. I can see it in your eyes.

I am sorry that I behave like a jerk. I raised my voice to you. I turn a deaf ear to you. I shut myself from you. I lied to you. I am trying to shake loose this connection. All because one day, I am ready to fly. I will be going away, sooner or later. You stories ends here, but my life starts from here. There is endless possibilities out there. I will be back, as the new me.

Don’t cry, mama. Your agenda is not my agenda; your life is not my life; to you is good but to me, maybe it’s bad. Alas! we are two different people. I read from a book once: you know your child only as much as when both of you are connected via the umbilical cord. After the cord is cut, the child is a person by himself. You don’t know what he thinks, why he behave like this. You have to admit, the child is a totally new person, and you will not understand him/her fully. 

I don’t want to break your heart, mama. Sorry for all the things that I did, things that I ought to do but I didn’t. Sorry for the big gap in between us. Sorry for the words that I said but didn’t mean it, and the words that I should have said but didn’t. I still love you the same. Till then.

 

With love,

Son

A Quiet Afternoon with Myself

For a long time, I have not seen daylight. Working schedule that makes me goes to work at 6 am and back at 8 pm makes me an indoor person. After a long on call, I am back with myself in this quiet afternoon with no one but myself.

Life is soon to be back at the square one. The one and the only is leaving soon to out station for duty. Nothing that I can do to hold her back. Its the government's order. Without realizing, my life has been so much dependent on her. Everything seems to be evolving around the both of us. 'We' has replaced the 'I'. I always look forward for more time to spend with her. Albeit, time is short.

Now, there is no better place than here, inside me. Inside my heart. Dwelling with the memories. Swimming in the sea of futures. How I wish all this happens earlier! How I wish time is longer!

I just want to be with me now.

A Letter

Dear friend,

I know it is hard what you have been through. You are a tough man. You can make it through.

The joy of sharing a cuppa coffee, the good time of holding hands walking down the park, and the thought of someone is there for you when you are down may be gone. And you said the efforts for all these years may go into the drain. You feel sad, angry, and felt cheated, but it is still not the end of the world.

I say it a chapter in life that everyone must go through. Its like a book. Growing is a chapter. Falling in love is a chapter. Having children, career are chapters itself. We can't predict every chapter in the book has a happy ending. There are ups and downs in the stories that make it an exciting one. In the end, it is the whole story that matters. We are writing a book, not just dwell in a chapters.

You said the wound still hurts. It hurts when it matters. I say give it time. Let time heals. In the end, you will thank her for making who you are now. At least you are loved. It is never a waste. It makes you grow. Looking back, now you are full of experience than before.

As a friend, when I say I will be there for you when you are down is a total BS. But my ear will be. Always be. You must be strong. This storm must be weathered. Given enough time, you can walk out of this dips in life.

Silence of the Rain

I was on called yesterday.

Kuantan had been raining cats and dogs for the past three days. There was almost no daylight. I was lying in my bunker. Next to me, a couple is embracing into sweet dream. I hate myself for intruding. So I turn my body the other way, away from them, awaiting the sleep that was hard to come.

The wind is howling outside. Storm was picking up after subsiding for the nth time. The rain hits the window pane, like a bullets in the battlefield. The door in the next room was blown by the strong wind. The sound can be eerie, but my mind is extraordinarily tranquil that time...

I was walking down the rainy road in midnight. The path connecting my room and the main building was uncovered. Storm was blowing cold wind down my neck, sending chills to the spine. The rain was hitting on my face. Questions after questions that I never asked myself before pops up.

Have I found my other part?
Is she the one?
Am I the one?
Have I done too much?
Or too little?
How she feels about me?
Can I really take this responsibility?

I can't stand the rain anymore.

The Breaking of The Self Defence

Before this, I was a strong person. My ego was high. My self esteem is unchallengeable. I am being at the top of myself. Being 25, you feel like you can do anything. You don't need anyone. You are the best of what you are. Until recently, my defenses has eroded. My ego has gone to the drain. I was stripped. I wasn't the 'me' that I looked into the mirror everyday. This has become the new 'me'. I almost don't recognize myself anymore.

I guess being in love means a lot of breaking your ego, challenging the new heights, and being in the place that you never thought you could ventured into. I had been in my comfort zone for too long. This comfort zone had provided me everything I want. I was loved. I was warm. I never need to live in fear. But I had decided to break the circle, jump out my comfort zone. I was prepared to get hurt, again. I am ready for the coldness. I am prepared to go across the hurdle in life.

I am venturing into the new height in my life.

Revelation

I am at it again. Me, being just me, like to write crap at midnight.

How to gain more out of your first date:

1. You gotta have chic music in your car.
Your ride is everything that reflects you. Even if you doesn't have a face of Brad Pitt, as long as your car has the right sort of ambiance, she will definitely give you a nod. It's gotta be soft, kind of atmosphere that brings people to talk. If music way too loud, she will think that you are a punk, and is a definite no no.

2. Never, Ever go for a movie on the first date.
For all you know, you are stuck at your seat for the next 2 hours. You can't talk to her, you can't look at her straight. You feel like your time is a total waste.

3. Strictly no Chinese food on the first date
Chinese restaurant is the most noisy place on earth, next to a paediatric ward. It wouldn't sound so romantic if you shout this out: "You are beautiful" compare to you whisper it out by her ear in a posh restaurant.


Nah, these are guides for dummies like me. You might loath it, but who am I to care?

连夜雨

雨季的来临，带来一阵阵的连夜雨，
今夜，冷风吹来，雨声绵绵，
一滴一滴的雨点， 打在窗口，
心里不知有多凉快。

不知心一直在想什么，
也不知心里要的是什么，
多年以来，执着些什么，
梦想是什么，理想又是什么！

直到她的出现，
让这一切都变了。

每天渴望她的来电，
每天想着她的背影，
每天都在盼着明天，
能够与她会面相见。

是否，
缘分已经到来，
时机已经成熟，

可是，
下一步如何走，
会有什么变数？

我不知道
我没有答案
还是让连夜雨把思念传寄与她


笔

Lonely Valentine

Valentine again. It has been another normal day for me for the past 5 years. Since my last breakup, there had been no valentine for me. Every valentine day for the past 5 years was celebrated only with my close friend. I had been trying to disguise those lonely feelings in the past. Now, its getting more and more distressing, trying to hide my feelings, trying to pretend that I don't need love.

The first relationship turn sour after we both were separated to pursue our own dreams. They say long distance relationship would not last, I believe it now. Four years, it had been till the end. Sometimes you need to believe in fate. How it started? We were young and ambitious. Maybe we were immature that time. It started as I hold her hand, thus triggered a chemical chain reaction. There were many sweet memories of being loved, sad times of feeling down, dumb moments of doing stupid things; all for the name of love. How it end was kind of blur to me. There were distances that cannot be patched by communication alone. There were barriers, lots of them. Both side parents were against this relationship. Thus, our relationship did not stand the test of time. I did not shed a tear on the night that we officially break up, just the feelings of extreme loneliness closing in my life.

Therefore, I became a coward when comes to love. I am afraid. Afraid to go down the same path again. Afraid of being hurt again. Even with the one that I like, I wasn't able to express myself. I was afraid that I will make a fool of myself. Now, the same feeling of extreme loneliness five years ago is getting stronger by day. Maybe it is towards the end of schooling life, starting of a new, unfamiliar world of working. Maybe I am desperate. Maybe it is because the friends around me mostly had paired up. Maybe it is the inner feelings that is struggling.

Hope that the valentine in years to come will not be the same again.