2016, A Year in Review

Time flies, really...

This year was an important year for myself.

Finally I had graduated after 4 years of endurance. Further studies when you are having other commitments is really tough. I need to juggle between work and family, to ensure a balance between both. If I had not took the leap of faith 4 years ago, I am still a rotting flesh sitting in a small place, waiting for time to past. If I never leave my comfort zone, I would have not known my potentials and my strength. If I choose to stay the way things are, I may have not known many great friends from around Malaysia and the World.

The arrival of the bundle of joy really makes a difference in my life. He has been my source of inspiration, my happiness and my motivation to go on. He makes me want to go home on time every day. He is a walking 'destresser', giving us joy and laughter.

I wish that year 2017 will be another great year, just like before.

眼泪与累

最近一直被一些事打扰，做事也不起劲，凡事都欠东风。也许是筹备过程中遇上了不少坎坷路，也许是在适应新生活，况且身在远方的我无法控制局面，让不愉快的事发生了。偶尔在夜深人静的时候就会开始胡思乱想。

所有爱情，都要到开花结果的阶段吗？ 一定要共度一生吗？一定要白头到老吗？会不会厮守一生吗？偶尔勉强带来很多不愉快的事，更糟的是，把两个人给疏远了。到头来，忘了要的是什么，渴望什么，追求什么，恨什么！

两个人要一生相守，不止在于你和我，还有很多新旧成员，有父母，兄弟，舅弟，公公婆婆，姨妈姑姐，还有他的狗。怎能只有我和你？如果往好的方面去想，家庭成员大了，凡事都有人关照；往坏的方面去想呢，就会觉得多人来烦，打扰私生活。

想到这里，一声叹气。眼泪也开始流下。了解不代表看开，爱情不是一切。有时吵架，心情低落，身心疲惫。一个字，累！

爱情不可以容纳后悔， 若有一丝的悔意，就会带来麻烦。

可是。。。

Last Moments of A Bachelor's Life

I guess a man always want to feel belonged. After having a stable career, he wants a family, a wife to journey the life, couple of children to share the joy, a house to live in and a group of good friends. He can't wait to start the family and get married. But I guess, human are always confused. He will have mixed feelings. On the verge of marriage, he will think of all the responsibility that is going to fall on his shoulders. Is this the right decision? I mean, what can a person lose when getting married? My married friend told me, you loose a lot. Gone were the days of partying till the wee hours in the morning, hanging out with friends, traveling alone to odd places,  talking simply about everything: who is the new 'chic' pharmacist, who is going to win the election or what is the best condom brand. Welcome to the real world. Now who is going to wake up to attend to the baby cry? Who is going to change his diaper, feed him milk? All the talks centered around the best formula milk, the most ergonomic stroller, and the nursery that abuse their kids.

It sounds like nightmare, isn't it? I feel scared sometimes.

My friend also told me, you will gain a lot. You'll have a life partner, to share the joy when you are up in the sky, and to comfort you when you're down on your knees. Behind every success man, there is always an even more capable woman to support him, to buffer him and most of all, to love him. There will never be a dull moment in your life. When the right time comes, and you are blessed with your first born, that joy is indescribable. It felt like your life is complete. If gives you a reason to come home after work, to quickly put aside your work and start your life. It puts a smile on your face that worth a million dollar. Though there are hard times, sleepless nights, seeing him grow up is the best thing you can hope for.

Now, I am not scared anymore.

If I Am Not A Doctor

If I Am Not A Doctor

If I am not a doctor,
My life would be free,
As I neither care for a stranger's life,
Nor about his itchy hives,

I wouldn't get needle prick,
Nor get prolonged cough and TB,
Nor jaundiced because of Hepatitis B,
Spending months in recovery.

If I am not a doctor,
I would be home by five,
Have dinner with my wife,
Spend time with my child

Missed the moments they grow up,
Missed their graduations,
While I am busy in OT,
 Saving someone ailing heart.

If I am not a doctor,
I wouldn't have this heartache,
Of leaving everything behind,
And everything I loved.

Moving to another new places,
Meet strange people and new faces,
Only to find the city craze,
Nothing compares to my home,
My favorite place.

Rising of The Phoenix

I don't like to write about advice. In fact, I am poor at teaching people, guiding them. There are a handful of juniors under me that seems to have not benefited anything at all after they left from my department. I just like story-telling, narrating of the whole event, from the beginning to the end. 

I was sitting by the beach, eagerly waiting for the sunrise. It was a long time that I didn't find my 'inner peace'. Despite they said I am fortunate to live in this town that has beautiful beaches, scenic mountains, and a peaceful river carved the beauty of this small town, but I didn't see it. The sound of the waves hitting on the white sands attracts tourist from far far away, but I didn't hear it. The coolness of the rushing waterfall on the skin that washes away all the troubles, but I didn't feel it. These few years I had been severely disconnected to the environment.

Watching a sunrise is a good chance to think about our life. Every sunrise is like a hurdle in life. It gets dramatic in the early part, and became very hot and difficult to manage during its peak and when the sun settle to the west, so does the problems. With time, things will work their ways. When a new day starts, the cycle repeats again. There is not a day without sunrise, nor a day without sunset. Similarly, there is no life without problems, nor solutions to every problems.

I am making comparing this to my education. When I first step into the primary school, I were so elated. When the happiness wears off, left with hard facts of life. Homework, co-curricular activities and exams... Then came the UPSR examination. The hard work put into preparing the exam till I faced head on with the exam. Finally, I passed the examination and moved on to secondary school and the vicious cycle repeats itself, again. Fast forward till now. I had just crept out of my comfort zone as I have been accepted into Masters degree program in internal medicine. And its all rise and shine again. Time to wake up!

草草了事

要简简单单，还是隆重？
要花花绿绿，还是朴素？
要不懈重本，还是节俭？
选择，实在让人头疼。

他们说，不在于结果，只在于过程中的点点滴滴，
而我却在苦中作乐。

马马虎虎，草草了事；
仔细挑剔，隆重复杂。
一切随缘，快乐就好。

The Dog-faced and The Dog-breathed

Someone to hold your hand

Last night, another kid try to take his life.

He is the dog-faced. We (the semi-alert on-call doctors) are the dog-breathed.

He is an 18 years-old. He had met his hurdle in life, and I am sure this might not be his first. There is always a mixed feelings when examination results were released. Yesterday was SPM results announcement. He is unhappy with his results. And he took a total of 50+ tablets, containing a mixture of paracetamol, loratadine, cinnarizine, and maxolon. The mother found him 4 hours later, in severe abdominal pain, but luckily he is not intoxicated.

I could remember how elated my feelings were when I get hold on to the results slip. It wasn't because my results were that good, just seeing that what I had worked for bring fruits and what I prayed for were answered. It is a relief that is beyond words. It is a feeling of putting down a stone from the inside your heart. But soon after that, another stone will starts to grow and the cycle repeats again...

There are many ways we can choose to handle the critical situation. He might had flung his examinations, but there is always a way to go about it. He can ask for help. He can talk to his friends or parents or his teachers. He can share it out. He can get self-help, or learn to forget. Is there something wrong with our society's support system that makes it difficult for young adults like him to get help?

I try to talk to him, to peel into his self defense. Unsuccessful. He choose to keep it a secret. Or he is too shy and regretted to what he did. All his vitals were stable and blood parameter were luckily normal. IV's were pumped in to rehydrate him. He survived, at least for another day.

If we try to see our problem from different perspective, or just stand back and looking at the problems again, the matter might just shrunk and disappeared after all. There is always a way to every situation and there is always something good behind things that seems so bad. For example, you fall sick, very very badly and recovered from it, you will develop immunity and become stronger.

For me, the best way to overcome a problem is with a song. Singing put away all your stress. It is as good as any tranquilizer. And there is just the perfect song for all troubles. "Let It Be" by The Beatles. My all-time favorites.

The White Doves

Many white 'doves', which are quails, actually...

Proposal... checked
Tell the parents... checked
Choosing the pre-wedding photographer... checked
Choosing the white dress... checked
Date and time... checked
Venue... checked
Registration... pending
Wedding band... unable to decide

Chinese style wedding is a very taxing, time-consuming, pocket-emptying exercise. I think that is why Chinese practice monogamy... You simply declare bankruptcy after the event, which last less than 24 hours, by the way. Afterwards you will get explosive migraines looking at the aftermath.

The most important thing (highlight) is not the wedding itself, but is to decide on the venue, and checked with their schedule. Booking must be done real early, if not a year ahead, or you will get some crap dates which everyone will not come because it clashed with the lunar calendar. Speaking of the lunar calendar, it is one of the oddest thing, to start with. There are certain dates that looks just fine, but looking at the lunar calendar, the only thing you are allowed to do is to be buried or move into new house. Chinese have been believing in this things, since ancient times. Seldom people dare to break the believe, nor choose the date that doesn't favors both parties (i.e July in lunar month).

Next thing is to 'tackle' the parents. They said a match made in heaven, I refused to believe it! How can two person on this Earth can come together just like that, a live happily ever after? The habits, cultures, do's and dont's, fixed-false believes cannot just go away. Expectations may not met with reality; spending that doesn't match the earnings. There is a lot of arguments, discussion, despair, tears and finally change and tolerance. Then there comes the true love, that is everlasting, time-tested.

To live together with another person is really a challenging feat. You have to get over her lip-smacking habits, her smell, her messy hair, which is hard at first, but in the end, it is the things you can't live without.

Wishing all my friends who are doing the same at this moment, to enjoy every second of it, and smooth sails ahead.

Suffering of a Soul

What is this?

Ask yourself, if you met a beggar coming to you, will you spare some sympathy or some loose coins? Or you just turn away and ignore his agony, whatever his suffering is all his wrong-doing and bad luck, nothing of your concern. Or you will kick him squarely on his butt, chasing him out of your sight and solve the problems once and for all? What about this is a stray dogs?

I saw a viral video on Facebook about how people tortured their pets, and this feeling came to me. Human has both good and evil side, just like the face of a coin. It is up to our control that which sides prevails. The choice is ours, to choose the dark path or walk the path of light. Seeing the animal cries in pain simply heart-breaking, needless to say it is much more worse for the accomplice.

The situation took a twist in the hospital settings. Often, we gets patients from the prison. They come in bright and colourful clothes, and for a peculiar reasons, their clothes stinks, sour and hard. Some are not well, but truth be told, they are less of a person when they are being admitted. They came in chains, and with a bodyguard. But doctors (generally) thinks they are nuisance, self inflicted illness, or worse still, want to be admitted because wanted to take a 'prison break' and occupy a softy hospital bed instead of a hard cells. Their IV's are difficult to established. Their complaints, no less than a handful, and their stay usually prolonged.

Yet, they are human too. They have names, they have stories, and they have their family who waits for their release one day and pray for their well-being, just like us. Whatever done in the past is NOYB. We can't segregates them just because they are convicts. They are our guest, too. Treatments and care should be given same, if not more for these people. Just offer your service with a sincere heart.

The picture above is the hangman's rope. One day when our life come to end, wouldn't it be nice to know that someone cared for you, too?


NOYB = none of your business!

Lost, and Found Again

Gelora Beach, which means 'Waves' in Malay

Recently, I watched a movie of Shrek. He made a promise with Rumpelstiltskin, in exchange for a day of being an ogre, he gave up one day. And that one day was the day he was born. So he loss everything that he had, including his lovely wife Fiona and three cute ogress. And he was deeply regretted that only when he loss everything, then he only noticed what was gone. Aren't we the same in real life?

I took a walk to the beach one day, only to be amazed by the beauty of the sky and water. It was there all the time, but I never took notice. One day if I left this place, I will surely missed the waves, and the gentle breeze, an awful lot.

Happy Valentine

  

Sorry sweetheart, 

I may not be the BEST person in your life, 

but I will be the ONLY person you need in this life.

Happy Valentine's.

Thirty and Wasted

This is a true story. 

This is a story of a boy. He is 30 years old, and paralyzed. A freak accident 6 years ago took away not only his limbs and his freedom, but also his dreams and his life. A boy that has plenty of future, ended up lying on bed more than 20 hours a day.

We pass urine without even break a sweat. He needs to self catheterized. "Or else I will have retained urine." He said. Passing motion is a automatic response. Moving around means a lot of work transferring himself to wheelchair and back, involving many helps and energy-consuming. He and caretakers resorted to the simple way out, that is not moving at all. He has a loving wife, staying beside him, answering to whatever his needs are and tend all his errands. Whenever he is admitted, she will stay beside him, like a shadow.

But he is not always a good boy, to start with. He has issues. He can't get over the fact that his life has changed. He did drugs. And he had complications from it. The heart fails as we witnessed that he has worsening oedema all over his body. He is breathless at rest. He is tired all the time. And he makes his wife suffers. The newly gained weight caused him more disability. As a result, there were multiple pressure sores over the buttock and the prominence of the hips. And it sure smells bad too.

With good medications and nursing care, we bring him out of the disaster.  His failure symptoms resolving. His infections under control. Proper rehabilitation goes a long way to restore his function and self esteem. Last I saw him, there is a shine in his eyes that were absent previously. The smile that he and his wife gave us tells us a lot.

This is not only Malaysian dilemma, I believe it is rampant all over the world. Illicit drug is a very serious problem, both in term of healthcare burden and social aspects. Most of the drugsters are of the young and so call productive group. The country lose out the brilliant assets when these people getting high in some dark alleys. They are prone for blood-borne illness, as well as creating sense of insecurities in the neighbourhood. Many ended up in correctional facilities or prison, some even to the hang rope. 

I don't despise these people. I felt sorry for them. I will try to help them, if it is within my ability. I don't deny that many treat them as a nuisance, a self-inflicted illness, 'high risk' for infection transmission case, and difficult vascular access case. But I sincerely hope it will change. It start from within your. Please...

Your Friendly Neighbourhood

I was going through my copy of 2010 ACLS guidelines. Something strikes me...

This is only happening to the Chinese patients. I never see it occur else where.

Whenever a person falls very ill (or collapse), we as a natural instinct will start our resuscitation effort. Secure airway, Bag-valve mask, Initiating chest compression. Orders will fired across the poor chap. Adrenaline, IV access, Oxygen...


Then a head will poke inside the curtain. "How is the condition of this patient?" He ask. Seriously, I am not joking! He is the familiar face around the hospital when you work long enough. And he is not even related to the patient or the relatives!

I will usually ignore him.

Resuscitative effort carried on, Nurses getting grumpy, junior doctors getting fatigue, and I am also exhausted. Finally I terminate the resuscitation. Break the bad news. Family cries. Some howling, Some fainted. But he will snake around to me and ask, "What is the time of death?"

The man is an undertaker. Its his business to care for the afterlife, and its a good business, where every 'customer' average from RM 3000 onwards. Beneath what we see, there are few companies doing this and  these people are fighting with each other to get more customer. There are eyes and ears in the hospital looking for potentials, and last time I heard, they are the attendants and the nurses. Tips can go up as high as RM 200 (more than an on call pay for a doctor).

What I hope is that they respect the person that we are resuscitating, as well as the family. The privacy of the patient should not be breached. One should never be a busy body around the resuscitation. You may be the obstacle for the process. On top of that, they are harassing the family members with the 'packages' and the promotions of the day. Often, critical periods like this are usually the last moment a family can spent with their loved ones and prepared mentally for the worst.

Its a good business, but please do it with some sense of responsibility.

Growing Up!

Finally, I can say I had reached a stage of equilibrium. Stage of maturity. Full grown.

Now, as I wrote this blog, I am being promoted as officer in a small town's hospital. As a matter of fact, I am being in charge of the casualty. With it, its safe to say that my job has come to a stable pace. I enjoyed more privilege than before. There are staffs that I have to take care and work together. People will look up to you for decision making. Your decision finally will affect the patient's life. I am not afraid. I believe I have enough of 'juice' to run the casualty. It's the skills that I need to honed up.

Before this, if I have any doubt, there is always someone senior to guide me through. But now, I am fully in charge of my own decision and the decision of others under my care. This is the process of growing up, and growing out of my shell.

I am enjoying my life, now, at least. Every moment of it.

My Babies

Work is so boring, if not because of all these kiddo, I wouldn’t enjoy much of my work of late…

First is the monitor of the ward. Hehe. Sleeping soundly. But when he is awake, he can make the havoc out of the ward, Poor thing, still oxygen dependent.

This little gem always gives you a wide smile. All he wants is you to carry him around. He is the most cheerful from the lot. And witty too.

Whoa! She gave me shock the first time I saw her, and still do. If you happen to walk into the ward in midnight and she is wide awake, might give you a scare or two.

Mr Sweet is always so adorable… The crewcut is due to branula setting. Otherwise, he is a vey quiet boy, feed the fastest and sleep most of the time. The eyes are big, but I am doubtful that he can sees.

Time Waits For No One

Year 2009 just zoomed by. I was taken by surprise. Without a sign, Spring turns summer, then autumn and now its winter. December in just a flicker of candlelight. Looking back to my resolution made in 2008, I was shocked that I achieve few, if not none.

For one, I did reunite with old friends. We had good time going up Mount Kinabalu. We had nice foods. We chat till dawn. The old company is still close together. I really appreciate these old dogs. They coloured my life.

Regrettable, my weighty issue still not settled. Maybe I did nothing about it. Guess this is gonna be my 2010 resolution.

While I didn’t joined or affiliate with any organization, this is due to the fact that I was not ready, I can’t meet up with people’s expectation while not having adequate skills and knowledge. I always love to help people.

Another wish that was fulfilled, that is I got my first dSLR. Its a Nikon D40. It might not be the very best one, but it served the purpose well. I am still learning on how to use it, though. Right now, it churns out pretty good pictures. I just love it.

My hope for year 2010:

1. Enjoy my work and doing what I know best. I am going to finish housemanship soon. Hopefully I can get to do what I want then.
2. Health, not only me, but my father, mother, and everyone.
3. Love. I wish that I can bring the relationship to another level
4. Travel. The next destination is China/Taiwan. And if possible the States.
5. Weight loss

Tragedy

“You made me.

Yet you left me.

This is where I am. In this cold room. All the time. Why? Because you made me.”

This is what a child felt. Two years old. And five months in the ward. Not a single soul came to claim him. Nobody visited him. No family members fed him. Day in and day out, he was kept in the ward. Waiting for placement in special welfare home.

According to the officer, paperwork takes 3 months to half a year. Placement is subject to availability. So we wait…

It started when the child was brought to us by a referral from district hospital. A child from aborigines in Pahang came down with odd symptoms. He kept on have repeating bouts of cough post feeding, fever and was unwell. On top of that, the child lacks facial expression. At two years old, he is still unable to vocalize, nor responds to his parents. There is a problem with his swallowing mechanism. The secretions pools everytime. He can’t swallow. He can’t cough. The is paralysis to his facial muscles due to defect in the cranial nerves. He gets bouts of aspiration leading to pneumonia. Feeding tube were made.

The parents is of the lower socio-economy group. Apart from this child, they need to take care of more kids. They need to work. They need to feed a family of 10. Staying in hospital is out of question. Taking care of a special need child is totally impossible. Bringing the child for follow up is a no-no. There is only one road. Disowning him.

Fate is a strange thing. Some are lucky, some don’t. I guess this is survival of the fittest.

In One Breath

Hundreds of steps under my feet, but I have to just go on. I can’t stop and will not stop, until I reached my destination. There may be missing steps, and potholes along the way. Sometimes, the railings were missing, but it can’t stop me. I am determined this time, and I will reach to the top!

There Is Always Hope

When you come to a crossroad, no signs leading to your destination, and you are lost. The road you took seems new and unfamiliar. Don’t despair. There is always hope. Just hold on. Eventually you will reach your destination.

At the dead of the night, you can’t see where you go, and you lost your way. You can’t figure out the path. Don’t be afraid. The daylight is just around the corner. At the break of the dawn, everything will be crystal clear.

This journey is full of challenges, and the reward is waiting for those who is persistent and determined. Just hope, and always hope for the best.

Wish you success, my dearest.

Birthday Blues

Dear Mom,

It is your birthday today. I did not bring you any present. I am sorry. I just want to wish you happy birthday. Deep down in my heart, I wish you enjoy every moments you lived now. Your life journeys marked heavily on your face. Each line is a passing of a past that turns into nothing but memory. Each dots speaks for itself for a legend that you make.

There are few things that I regretted in this life. I am sorry for not spending more time with you. Its all the work, stress, love, and sidelines that keep us apart. I know you are lonely. The vast amount of time that you spent on the couch crunching away the stupid Taiwan Hokkien TV series is to filled the emptiness of this house, more of the emptiness of your heart. The nonsense that you joined, to give back life to the ex drug addicts, says it all. I know. I can see it in your eyes.

I am sorry that I behave like a jerk. I raised my voice to you. I turn a deaf ear to you. I shut myself from you. I lied to you. I am trying to shake loose this connection. All because one day, I am ready to fly. I will be going away, sooner or later. You stories ends here, but my life starts from here. There is endless possibilities out there. I will be back, as the new me.

Don’t cry, mama. Your agenda is not my agenda; your life is not my life; to you is good but to me, maybe it’s bad. Alas! we are two different people. I read from a book once: you know your child only as much as when both of you are connected via the umbilical cord. After the cord is cut, the child is a person by himself. You don’t know what he thinks, why he behave like this. You have to admit, the child is a totally new person, and you will not understand him/her fully. 

I don’t want to break your heart, mama. Sorry for all the things that I did, things that I ought to do but I didn’t. Sorry for the big gap in between us. Sorry for the words that I said but didn’t mean it, and the words that I should have said but didn’t. I still love you the same. Till then.

 

With love,

Son