My Love

If you ask me, I never regret taking this road, although it may be a hard sometimes, lonely sometimes. The transition between a lone ranger to this state now needs a lot of change. I don't know, but I feel the person I used to know six months ago is no longer the same anymore.

It always amaze me, how your hand fit in mine. My hand feels cold and clammy, its yours that warm me. It felt just nice.

Oh my love

The Brain Drainer

It is always glad to know that you are on the safe side. After passing my assessment, finished with my presentations, all I have now is 30 days of smooth sailing journey ahead (I hoped!) to reach the next rotation. Apart from the long duration in the ward, Surgical rotation is never a bad posting to stay on. The work load is not too many, the patients are easier to handle and not too many medicolegal stuff to start with.

We get to do neurosurgery rotation as a minor posting here. It was fun handling the 'higher function' of human. Day in and day out, we deal with 'brain drain' craniectomy/craniotomy - for those patients that has blood clots in their skull. I have 2 patients: one is a 14 year old boy from Felda Selancar (somewhere in Muadzam Shah) while riding a motor bike, ram into the back of a school bus, and rendered him unconscious. He was not wearing helmet for one, and at this age, he is definitely with no licence. On arival to my hospital, CT brain of his shows a massive extradural blood clots, and was open up. After fourteen days post operation, his conscious level still not improved. Repeat CT brain hold the key to this mystery. During the accident, there were brief episodes of hypoxia. Now the essential centre of the brain has infacted, which may includes the conscious centre. He might be in a vegetative states, if he survived.

Then, there is another boy, a young and vibrant 17 years old Malay boy from a village in Kemaman, riding bikes to refill petrol in nearby petrol kiosk. Again, he is not wearing helmet, and was hit from sideway by another motorcyclist from sideway. After the accident, his conscious level dropped, significant to warrant a CT brain, and further admission to Intensive care unit. I assisted the evacuation of blood clots. Currently, he is still recuperating in ICU post operation. At least he is recovering well.

The similarity in this 2 patients is both of them are young adults that has bright future ahead. Yet, both failed to adhere to simple measures such as wearing a safety helmet. One might recover, the other might be in coma forever.

Neurosurgery is one of the highest mortality department. You don't open up a patient, he dies, You open up, either he dies on table, dies post op or dies later. Either way, outcome is not so bright in my settings. That's why I dont quite into neurosurgery.

A Quiet Afternoon with Myself

For a long time, I have not seen daylight. Working schedule that makes me goes to work at 6 am and back at 8 pm makes me an indoor person. After a long on call, I am back with myself in this quiet afternoon with no one but myself.

Life is soon to be back at the square one. The one and the only is leaving soon to out station for duty. Nothing that I can do to hold her back. Its the government's order. Without realizing, my life has been so much dependent on her. Everything seems to be evolving around the both of us. 'We' has replaced the 'I'. I always look forward for more time to spend with her. Albeit, time is short.

Now, there is no better place than here, inside me. Inside my heart. Dwelling with the memories. Swimming in the sea of futures. How I wish all this happens earlier! How I wish time is longer!

I just want to be with me now.

Flowing Gently

It's ever so soft, caressing every rock and sand;
yet it is strong, carving ways as it goes.
It gives life to whatever we are now.
Let's save water

The Dead End

Do you ever wonder, the road in front is not the path that you ever want to walk ever more?

It is exceptionally lonely now, when you are alone walking down this wrong path. Can I ever turn back? I am not sure how. I am being pushed my the rush of people to the destination that I do not know where. Could it be that the destination is still the same, but it is me that changed?

Maybe its a dead end of the road. Or it is the cliff that I need to embrace myself to jump in. Then I can discover the new horizon

A Letter

Dear friend,

I know it is hard what you have been through. You are a tough man. You can make it through.

The joy of sharing a cuppa coffee, the good time of holding hands walking down the park, and the thought of someone is there for you when you are down may be gone. And you said the efforts for all these years may go into the drain. You feel sad, angry, and felt cheated, but it is still not the end of the world.

I say it a chapter in life that everyone must go through. Its like a book. Growing is a chapter. Falling in love is a chapter. Having children, career are chapters itself. We can't predict every chapter in the book has a happy ending. There are ups and downs in the stories that make it an exciting one. In the end, it is the whole story that matters. We are writing a book, not just dwell in a chapters.

You said the wound still hurts. It hurts when it matters. I say give it time. Let time heals. In the end, you will thank her for making who you are now. At least you are loved. It is never a waste. It makes you grow. Looking back, now you are full of experience than before.

As a friend, when I say I will be there for you when you are down is a total BS. But my ear will be. Always be. You must be strong. This storm must be weathered. Given enough time, you can walk out of this dips in life.

Twenty Nine Days

It not right to feel for the patient you are treating. It is almost wrong when you are emotional connected to a patient that you are treating. They says it affect your judgment and the clinical acumens. Despite all the teaching saying so, I still made the mistake.

Dasuki was a very unfortunate boy. At the age of twenty, almost all of his fellow at the peak of their life. Everyone venturing into working, busy with marriage, but this poor boy was bed bound. Not only he had to depend on his father for the simplest chores as to personal sanitation, he had become the increasing financial burden of the family for his medical need and disabilities.

After a freak accident one day where he lost control of his motorbike and skidded, his life changed. The motorbike hit a sand dune and he was thrown forward and landed head on. On arrival to hospital, doctors pronounced that he had a spinal segment T8 and T9 fracture, which translated into paraplegia for the rest of his life. He lost feeling of both lower limbs. Anything below umbilicus feels numb. Both legs were heavy and felt disconnected o the torso. Passing urine and bowel habit became automatic event, and he has no control whatsoever towards it.

Studying the family dynamic, he is the youngest of eleven siblings. As if to add salt to the wound, his mother is a stroke-surviving patient with hemiplegia as well. Father earn a meager pay by doing plantation work in small scale. He has a sister he used to mention quite a lot. This sister is closest to him, bathing him, feeding him at regular interval. But what to do, his sister has to get on with life. She need to work. She need to take care of her family. After her marriage six months ago, she had moved away from Kuantan to Johor Bharu following the husband.

He came to us with prolonged bed bound, 12 months after the accident. Instead of a young and vibrant boy, we saw a nutritionally-deprived boy, dirty and unkempt. The bed sore already formed over huge area over sacral, the heel and even elbow. A sigmoid colostomy had been made to accommodates faeces passed through anterior abdominal wall. This could prevent soiling of faeces and the sores.

At the last 11 days of his life, we have to open him up, to find the bowel is a mess with adhesion and perforation. Everything necessary had been done. After the operation, he was going down hill. On the other hand, we are giving stronger antibiotic and nutrional support for him.

The day before he is intubated, I was talking to him. There were very few visitior for Dasuki. The father seldom came as to take care the other needy one at home. We talked about many things. All I want is to set a long term goal for him, to make him ambulate by wheel chair. At least he is less dependent if he can whelled to the toilet or to reach for things. He said that he missed his sister, and asked me to called up the sister. He wanted to see her badly. On top of that, he says living has no meaning for him anymore. I just kept quiet as did not respond.

The defence finally breached on the last 3 days. His lung and heart had gave up on this battle. We intubated him and put him on inotropes. Blood pressure on few instances were unrecordable. Most of the time, it was lowish. We rang up the father, told him that his son was not doing well. Soon after that, the relatives, family members came.

The last word he said to me was I am tired.

On his last day, his sister came to see him. After twenty nine days of long winding battle, he finally passed away, fulfilled his last wish. Rest in peace, Dasuki.